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There is only the pain of knowing that each scene will unfortunately be followed by another scene, and each subsequent scene will force you to confront the decisions you made in your life that led you to this place, to a theater with far too many people in it, watching a poorly improvised pastiche of sketches — many of them abandoned due to indifference — featuring actors who simply do not care. Adam Sandler is clearly working under the belief that, if he puts his name on the poster and surrounds himself with enough familiar faces, people will flock to theaters without any concern whatsoever for what is actually on the screen. There is nothing salvageable in Grown Ups 2. It is a bowl of dicks crammed into a bag of assholes trapped inside of a black hole of stupidity.
It is the only movie I have ever seen that made me wish I were watching Movie 43 instead. If you choose, however, to see Grown Ups 2, these are the images that you will be forced to endure. The toddler son of Maya Rudolph and Chris Rock craps his diaper and affords his mother an excited poop dance, as though he has just scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl. He pulls them out and eats them. During an extended product placement to K-Mart, Nick Swardson strips to his boxers, takes a nap in one of their demo beds, and when he wakes up, he walks over and takes a dump in a demo toilet.
David Spade does it once, and Adam Sandler does it once right before he has sex with his wife, Salma Hayek. This is what passes for a running gag. I can't get from there back to the heart.
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You try to do different angles, trying to get your foot up on something. You come in at a weird angle, and you can't even see. It's like detonating a bomb. You're like, "Please don't take off the little toe! I got my colonoscopy. Little scary going in. The doctor called me three days before, and he said, "Here's how it's gonna go down, Kev. The day before the procedure, you don't eat at all. The morning of the procedure, I'm gonna take a camera, and I'm gonna snake it into your colon. I'm just gonna keep feeding it up there.
If I see any abnormalities, I'm just gonna burn them off on the spot. I can't eat anything the day before? I want it to be pristine. The supermodel colons you got in there all glistening and stuff. Mine's gonna look like it went to war. If it had a voice, it would be like a Nick Nolte voice. I'm Kevin James' colon! I got four kids now, by the way. Four little ones, yeah. Do we have parents of young ones? It's the greatest gift on the planet.